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ITHACA, NY—In an effort to enhance pupil security on campus, Cornell College reportedly accomplished the set up of 36 red-light emergency telephones Thursday for conservative college students to make use of in the event that they really feel they’ve been assaulted by progressive beliefs. “We’re dedicated to defending any right-leaning pupil who merely needs to get to their dorm or class with out being threatened by trans rights or radical feminists,” Cornell president Martha E. Pollack mentioned at a dedication ceremony, explaining that in order to obtain assist, conservative college students merely must press the button below one of many conveniently situated telephones and clarify that they felt attacked after listening to arguments in assist of an expanded welfare state or making abortion simply accessible. “Say you’re at a social gathering when instantly you’re cornered and anticipated to render a constructive opinion concerning the latest Barbie film. Or perhaps it’s late at night time, and also you hear a pack of strangers approaching you from behind whereas discussing Michel Foucault. Maybe you’re simply within the library and understand that Karl Marx himself is in your studying listing. Now all it’s a must to do is get out of there instantly and retreat to one in all our pink mild telephones. We will have a counselor to you in below 5 minutes with a duplicate of Atlas Shrugged and a cellphone preloaded with Matt Walsh podcasts.” At press time, the college had come below hearth after suggesting right-wing college students may additionally keep away from upsetting unsafe conditions by refraining from strolling round late at night time whereas sporting a bow tie.
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