A vaccine for stupidity, and different cheeky needs

That is the time of 12 months I ship my wish-list off to Santa. However this apply slowly got here to a halt because it’s been fairly a couple of years since I final had religion in roly-poly, white-haired males with snowy beards to match. However like most married girls and the typical voter, I additionally appear to be a sucker in inserting hope over crushing actuality. So this 12 months I’m spreading my internet far and large by interesting to all our 33 million gods. Who is aware of, maybe one or two might discover the time to take heed to my wish-list regardless of being largely occupied in seemingly granting the Ambani household their each want.

1. Roads as clean as cheeks: I assumed if I start by being altruistic then maybe the almighty could be extra inclined to grant me my very own needs. This one is on behalf of Rajasthan minister Rajendra Singh Gudha. When a crowd gathered to complain in regards to the potholed roads within the district, he promised them that they’d quickly be as clean as Katrina Kaif’s cheeks. To not be left behind and maybe consulting a distinct dermatologist, Maharashtra minister Gulabrao Patil boasted that the roads in his constituency have been as clean as Hema Malini’s cheeks. I’ve heard of competitions being neck to neck however this was actually cheek to cheek. I even have a sense that whereas roads may get a makeover, these netas are going to have a bumpy journey forward.

2. Give North Koreans a break: And never the sort Kim Jong-un imposed on his residents, the place laughter was banned for a interval of 11 days to mark his father’s loss of life anniversary. I’m after all going to make use of this to persuade all our desi naysayers by saying, ‘See how a lot better we’re than North Korea, right here no less than it’s not the folks laughing that go to jail, solely those who make us snort!’

3. Truth-checkers: Are you able to simply stuff one fact-checker inside every politician’s postbox? If the nice males who rule us are refusing to make use of Google, then they’ll simply pull these dudes out to go over their speeches earlier than they pull out a mike. Our Prime Minister may have used one just lately when he stated, ‘Goa got here below Portuguese rule at a time when different main components of the nation have been dominated by the Mughals.’ Keep in mind the time Kejriwal referred to as for a halt in air site visitors between the 2 nations due to a brand new non-existent ‘Singapore variant’ or Rahul Gandhi referred to ‘Steve Jobs of Microsoft’? A fact-check a day might not maintain docs away particularly throughout these instances, however it is going to undoubtedly assist in maintaining critics away.

4. A present for Jeff Bezos: Give him a comb, and he won’t ever half with it, or so goes a joke I as soon as learn in Reader’s Digest. On a critical observe although, what are you able to give the world’s second richest man? How about some famous person charisma! After a video of the billionaire’s girlfriend wanting up star-struck at Leonardo DiCaprio went viral, Bezos did what any regular man would do. He tweeted a shirtless photograph of himself tagging the Titanic star with a caption that acknowledged, ‘Leo, come over right here, I wish to present you one thing.’ Behind him was an indication that learn, “Hazard! Steep cliff. Deadly drop.”
They do say, cash can get you a canine and a woman, however it might probably’t make the canine wag its tail or the lady smile at you want ‘my coronary heart will go on’ from Titanic is taking part in in her head.

5. Make the Chinese language as gullible as we’re: Current satellite tv for pc pictures present that China has apparently constructed a second new village alongside the disputed border in Arunachal Pradesh. Now we have been making an attempt to get again at them for some time with actions like banning Chinese language cellphone apps like TikTok and renaming dragonfruit as ‘kamalam’. By some means one will get the sensation that it’s not fairly a watch for a watch. However then traditionally and culturally, it hasn’t been equal. Like I’ve stated earlier, give it some thought, we gave them Buddhism and in return they gave us Rooster Manchurian.6. A remedy for stupidity: A remedy for Omicron is perhaps an excessive amount of to count on however how a few remedy for the stupidity that appears to contaminate anti-vaxxers? I maintain listening to folks arguing towards the vaccine by saying, ‘Oh it’s not just like the vaccinated can’t unfold it!’ Luckily, I can now quote Zack Bornstein, a author and comic who responded to an identical silly remark with, ‘Each Usain Bolt and I can run 100 metres.’

7. A brand new season of Succession: I need extra episodes of Succession in order that I can spend much more time getting nothing executed. I wish to see Kendall being earnest, chuckle at Roman’s throwaway traces, watch Siobhan strategise, however most of all, I wish to be just like the patriarch Logan Roy who isn’t held accountable.

You recognize what I simply seen whereas speaking about Succession’s Logan — males with cuddly stomachs and white passing-for-wisdom beards, together with Santa Claus, can get away with all the things.
Have you ever realised that Santa has efficiently duped thousands and thousands of youngsters into believing that he was giving all of them these wrapped presents when it has all the time been their dad and mom who’re laying out the massive bucks.

Just about the identical method we’re deluded into believing we’re being offered with colleges, hospitals and even vaccine jabs whereas paying for them by our noses and our tax invoices.
I don’t know if my prayers will likely be answered however since I must elevate my spirits up, I’m going to set off on a mission to chug distilled spirits down. May as properly benefit from festivities, as after a couple of weeks of jingling bells and a few hectic tooting of New 12 months occasion horns, I’ve a sense we might quickly be again to banging thali mode.

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