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PALM BEACH, FL—Terrified by the prospect that the former president could go away forever if he didn’t pay, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly helped their father raise $83.3 million Monday by asking their dad for money. “Wait, I know where we can get some cash—we can ask Dad!” said Donald Jr., the oldest of the Trump boys, whose face immediately lit up with excitement as he grabbed his brother’s hands and explained that the solution to all of his father’s legal and financial woes was just right down the hall. “Dad probably has tons of money! He wears suits all of the time. Once, he even gave me 20 whole dollars on my birthday! He’s a really important man. I know he’ll give us the money—we just have to promise to be extra good and eat all our meat for a week.” At press time, the Trump boys had only $83,299,975 to go after checking their father’s wallet.
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