Love in a beaker topped with crispy bheja fry

Valentine’s Day is around the corner, and last year, the Animal Welfare Board of India tried to turn this into Cow Hug Day, where they suggested that we forget about romance and embrace our bovine animals instead. This was overturned. But the Board should not be perturbed as we have always embraced all sorts of animals in the name of love, like that jackass next door or the two-timing snake down the road, along with our favourite swine, rat, skunk. Of course, we also keep trying to kiss frogs, hoping they will turn into Prince Harry.

While the origin of Valentine’s Day is unclear, one theory claims that it is celebrated on the 14th of February to commemorate the martyrdom of Saint Valentine. What the death of a celibate priest has to do with love remains as mysterious as the idea of love itself.

People have tried explaining this state of mind for centuries, but it seems to be a notion where rationality evaporates faster than an uncapped bottle of paint thinner. But this Valentine’s Day, we will try to do the seemingly impossible by breaking down what love truly means, stage by stage, using a bunch of famous thought experiments devised by our greatest thinkers.

Thought experiments are set up in the laboratory of the mind. They are hypothetical situations where we reason out answers to questions ranging from God’s existence to quantum physics. To simplify this further we will use two stock characters: Gym Boy and Dancing Queen.

Plato’s Cave: This thought experiment states that people chained to face a cave wall their entire lives see shadows of passing creatures projected on the wall, and mistake the shadows for reality. In our scenario, Gym Boy first bumps into Dancing Queen at a friend’s party. He is fascinated by her hazel eyes and she does indeed know all the steps to Besharam Rang. Meanwhile, Dancing Queen thinks his jokes are funny, admires his biceps and she really likes his teeth. Like Plato’s chained people, they accept these flickering impressions as reality. It’s only much later that he will realise she is myopic and wears coloured contacts, and she will figure out that not only does he have veneers, but like many Indian men, he doesn’t do leg days at the gym because his chicken legs are always covered in jeans. He knows that by the time the pants are off, it’s too late to back out anyway. But all that will come much later.

Schrödinger’s Cat: This revolves around an imaginary cat placed inside a closed box. This cat may be considered simultaneously both alive and dead while it is unobserved. With our couple, Gym Boy posts stories with his pet on Instagram, hoping for her to see them and comment. She keeps checking if her phone is accidentally on silent mode as she doesn’t want to miss his calls. They continue meeting but are unsure if they are in a relationship. Is the cat in the bag, is as much a question as wondering if Schrödinger’s cat is alive and purring in the box.

Pavlov’s dog: A dog is taught to link the sound of a bell with food and eventually begins drooling at the sound of the bell alone. Dancing Queen sets a special ringer tune for her new boyfriend. Her heart races when her phone chimes with the opening chords of Mera Dil Bhi. He sees her picture on Instagram in her yellow polka dot bikini, and along with drool percolating in his mouth, he has other strong reactions. Neural stimuli trigger powerful physical and chemical reactions. This phase is short-lived, and the surge of mating chemicals ebbs soon enough; otherwise, it would be difficult to hold down jobs and raise children. Unfortunately, we often mistake this stage as real love.

Occam’s razor: This states that if there are competing explanations, it’s better to accept the simplest one. Gym Boy and Dancing Queen are now in a tricky phase in their relationship. The initial euphoria has led to marriage and a baby. Slowly, everything that had been neglected while the brain was floating in a dopamine-filled bathtub begins to come into focus again. Stuck in a meeting, he forgets to call her back. She is busy juggling the baby and work. Instead of accepting the simpler explanation that this distracted state is due to the pressures of normal life, both start interpreting it as a lack of love.

Prisoner’s dilemma: This is grounded in two prisoners deciding whether to cooperate or betray each other. The outcome depends on their mutual trust and self-interest. While Gym Boy and Dancing Queen are ensconced in a two-bedroom apartment with Swiggy on speed dial and not a jail cell, this is a critical phase where they must make choices around finances, fidelity, communication and resolutions. Either they put their self-interests first or put their individual desires beneath the mutual benefits of cooperation.

Ship of Theseus: This thought experiment asks if all a ship’s parts are slowly replaced, is it the same ship? If love changes so dramatically for our Dancing Queen and Gym Boy then is it love after all? And does it matter as long as the two people aboard are content to sail in the same direction?

It is possible that Valentine’s Day itself could have started as an experiment. In some medieval version of a board meeting, there must have been a discussion about sales being down in the post-Christmas slump and how they had to get people already broke from buying gifts to buy gifts for the same people again with their next paycheck. On the other hand, German-American philosopher Hannah Arendt once said, ‘An experience makes its appearance only when it is being said. And unless it is said, it is, so to speak, non-existent.’ With all its consumerism, Valentine’s Day perhaps makes the abstraction of love more concrete. Though if you ask women who have been married for over a decade, the most honest answer to ‘What did your husband give you on Valentine’s Day?’ would be, ‘As usual, a headache.’

Love, in fact, may be the ultimate thought experiment. It’s a paradox where accepting each other’s flaws creates an imperfectly perfect connection, with or without wilting red roses and an Archie’s card featuring two cartoon hearts winking at each other.

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