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PHILADELPHIA—Simply days after it was revealed that 8,100 gallons of acrylic polymer answer had leaked right into a tributary of the Delaware River, Philadelphia residents reportedly stopped consuming faucet water Wednesday upon catching a horrifying glimpse of a hairless, wheezing Gritty. “Jesus Christ, I knew the chemical spill was unhealthy, however seeing Gritty with enormous chunks of orange hair falling out, lined in boils, and screaming in ache actually made the entire thing hit house,” mentioned 35-year-old resident Jay Walsh, including that there was no approach he would contact town’s faucet water after seeing the Philadelphia Flyers’ mascot crawl on the bottom, vomit bile, and repeatedly beg for dying throughout a hockey sport. “I do know metropolis officers say the faucet water is protected, however Gritty saved on holding up an ice skate and making an attempt to slit his personal throat. They’ve obtained him on oxygen and an IV drip now, however I’m positively sticking to bottled water from right here on out.” At press time, Philadelphia residents had been seen hurling batteries at Gritty to place the mascot out of his distress.
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